This past weekend, I had to remove a very large and well established rambling rose bush from beside our house.
It looks innocuous enough. Pretty, even. But don’t be deceived, because the task required six hours, four yard bags, safety goggles, leather gloves, a pair of heavy-duty pruners, and a honking huge electric reciprocating saw. I’m not kidding.
As I was dismantling this thorny behemoth, it occurred to me that I had planted it in totally the wrong place–and for the wrong reasons. Oh, it may be a thing of beauty for a few short weeks as it blooms, but in truth? It would also make a potentially lethal weapon — or at least a formidable defense. (Despite the leather gloves, I still suffered countless puncture wounds…and actually stopped counting at 23.)
It would take a special kind of stupid to try and climb over or through, don’t you think? Even if your intruder happened to be equipped with the above-mentioned safety goggles, leather gloves and pruners, it would still take hours break through, giving you ample time to call upon the cavalry to mount a secondary defense. You’d have plenty of warning from the bloodcurdling shrieks of pain that inevitably occur when thorns drive deeply into thumb flesh (yes, even through the gloves). You’d also quite possibly have DNA evidence left behind in blood traces should your intruder flee before the cavalry arrives. I tell you, this rose bush has it all.
A living fence of lethal beauty, keeping nefarious evildoers and unwanted visitors at bay. Sounds perfect, doesn’t it?
All we have to do now is figure out how we would get past it…